


Falling

by orphan_account



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Breakups, Ed Sheeran - Freeform, F/M, Harry styles is an artistic masterpiece, Heartbreak, Lots of Crying, jeremy is an angsty mess, michael’s trying to be helpful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:01:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21798781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: What am I now? What am I now?What if I'm someone I don't want around?I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm fallingJeremy made a mistake he knows he can’t fix.It’s the aftermath that hurts the most.
Relationships: Christine Canigula/Jeremy Heere
Kudos: 16





	Falling

**Author's Note:**

> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WcKSPyhrGWc Just so you can feel extra sad :)

"Hey, again. I know that we're over, I'm not calling begging for you to take me back. I just found a scrapbook of yours, and I figured you'd want it," Jeremy's voice is raspy and rough, as he can barely even manage to get the words out. "So just call me whenever. I'll drop it off at your apartment."

He tosses the phone to the side of the bed, turning over and pulling the covers back up to his chin. He doesn't like being alone. It's his own damn fault, though, so he shouldn't be complaining. What he said started this relationship, and again, something he said ended it.

He didn't mean it. He never meant it. He'd do anything to go back in time and keep his fucking mouth shut. He can't and he's stuck here, alone, in this London apartment. It's too big in here for one person.

After highschool and graduation, He decided to make one of the biggest mistakes of his life. It seemed like a wonderful idea at the time, but, he can clearly see now it wasn't.

He left everything and his family behind, moving with Christine across the ocean. She's gone now, so he's here alone. He can't drive to his dad's house. He can't call Michael, he's either sleeping or at work. He hasn't made many friends here, because he had Christine and she was the one person he felt comfortable around.

He doesn't even know who he is anymore. Christine was the defining trait about him- for the last year in highschool, he was "theater girl's boyfriend." He can't even claim that anymore. The tears are stinging his eyes again, so he rolls over and punches the pillow.

Is he even a likeable person? Does anyone want to even talk to him?

Who is he now? He's not Christine's boyfriend anymore. He's the sad asshole who cries in his apartment, with Ed Sheeran playing far too loud for him to be alright.

Is he even the person he thought he was? Would he want to be around himself? Has he turned into that person he hated? Is he acting like he was squipped all over? It's not that far of a guess, considering what he said.

Is he even a **nice** person? Does Michael even like him? Does his dad?

The tears are starting to fall harder, and he grips the sheets tightly as they continue to streak down his face and hit the pillow. There's no one to judge him in here, because he's alone. He's always going to be alone.

Christine won't even talk to him anymore. You know how some people are able to just... be friends with their ex's? He's never going to have that. They're never going to have that.

He's just going to sit here and work himself up even more because there's nothing else he can do. Will Christine call him her crazy ex? Will she talk about him with her friends?

What if she doesn't even talk about him at all, as if he never existed? He deserves that.

God, he misses her. She was a constant presence in his life for 4 years, and she's not THERE anymore. She wasn't just his girlfriend. She was his best friend and now she's fucking gone. There's no more improv games at 2 in the morning, there's no more walking in from work and seeing her eating cereal at the bar at again, 2 in the morning. Her laugh, her smile, her voice. Someone else will get that now and they deserve it. He knows she's going to be happier with whoever this turns out to be, too. He just hates it and he hates himself.

He needs to get out of bed. Life's responsibilities don't wait for heartbreak. And... he can't become his dad. He can't become a shell of a person he was, because he doesn't even know who he is anymore. This is just like after the squips were gone, and again, this is all his fucking fault.

Life can wait a little longer.

He can see the pile of papers on his desk; he needs to get up and go through them.

Would you believe it if he said he was writing songs? It's a simple exercise he learned from Rich in highschool. Putting your words on paper is easier than trying to speak them out loud.

That's probably why they're all heartbreak songs. None of them mention her by name, of course, but they are about her. Nothing harsh; this is all his fault, anyway. He misses her.

There used to be a few love songs, too. He gave one to her on their anniversary. He doesn't think she has it anymore.

He's aware he writes too many songs about her. Michael told him that a few days ago, when he called because Jeremy was having a breakdown after finding the scrapbook. _"It's not healthy, Jeremy."_ Well, It's the only way he can cope right now.

Goddammit, he's falling again. He's spiraling to a bad place that he has to learn to navigate through alone. He can't do this. He can't do it alone.

Everything is closing in on him, and the rain pouring down and hitting the windows isn't helping at all.He can't take what he said back no matter how much he tries. He called multiple times, sent multiple texts. Christine said she missed him too but that she can't get over this. He respects that.

It just hurts and there's nothing left for them to even talk about anymore, anyway. This scrapbook is it. After he gives this to her, if she even wants it, there won't be any reason to talk to her again. This is the last chain linking them.

The phone rings, and he doesn't want to pick it up. It's Michael's ringtone, though, so he knows if he doesn't he'll get yelled at by his best friend later. So, he grabs his phone and answers, sitting up on the bed and pulling his knees to his chest.   
  


"Hello?"

"Jeremy. Jeremy, you have to get over this, buddy." Michael's worried. Is he worried? Or is he annoyed with having to put up with him?

"Do you like me?" He cuts off whatever Michael was saying; he wasn't listening, anyway.

"What?"

"Do you like me?" He repeats, his voice straining from holding back the sob that wants to spill over.

"Jeremy, where is this coming from? Yes, I like you. You're my best friend. I couldn't NOT like you." Michael sounds exasperated. Even better.

"You're worrying me. I know breakups are hard, and I know you and Christine were together for a long time, but you need to get over her and build your life again. You can't crumble." His friend's voice is gentle, but it does nothing to soothe the storm in his head.

"I can't just "get over her". I just want her back in my life. I don't even care if we're not dating, I just want her to talk to me. I miss her, Michael, and you don't understand. She's just someone I want around. She means the world to me and she was around for years with me! I can't just forget her and pretend it didn't happen. I lost her like I lost my mother." He finally breaks, the tears running down his face as he cries. His throat hurts from trying to hold back his wail, and his head hurts from trying to hold back his tears.

"She's not your mother, Jeremy. I...I know you're hurting, but your mother left you because she's an asshole. What you said was what made Christine leave you."

"I know that. You don't think I don't know that? I'm not asking for her to get back together with me. I'm an asshole, she deserves so much better. You don't understand and telling me to just get over it doesn't help. I can't get over her out of nowhere. It's been a month, Michael, get off my case about it!"

  
The call ends. Michael hung up.

Jeremy's pushing everyone away again and he can't help it. It's the only way to make sure no one else gets hurt because of his actions.

He slams the phone down on the bed, burying his head in his knees and just breaking down. He's a horrible person. He's not worth Christine's time, he's not worth Michael's, he's not worth anyone's.

He gets the feeling that no one is ever going to need him again.

His phone starts ringing for the second time. It's Christine. He watches as the call declines, and the icon that she left a voice mail shows up.

Against his better judgement, he presses play.

  
"Hi, Jeremy. Keep the scrapbook."


End file.
